Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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