capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So vagazzling was a success
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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