Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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