i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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