I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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