you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
