The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
