I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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