Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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