The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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