i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
