if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He did a backflip because drugs
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
