I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
