the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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