would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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