I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
