I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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