Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
