I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
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FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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