when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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