he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
