Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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