if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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