you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I want to be your penis for a week.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
