just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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