Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
