you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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