Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
