To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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