Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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