So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
