Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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