I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
