I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
