Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
