We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
