We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
