Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so let's talk penis.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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