You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
