Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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