I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
