I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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