Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They are going to name an STD after you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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