About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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