Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
