Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
