drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just invented taco cereal.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
