I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
