I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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