just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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