i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
