They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
