i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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