I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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