if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
