You work out of a Hotel?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
