did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
